before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
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