Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
