dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
