You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
