dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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