i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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