You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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