chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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