I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
