Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
