how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
