Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
