my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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