I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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