Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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