I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
