I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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