My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Do vagina's smell?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
whose parrot is this?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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