You're completely useless in the revolution.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
