Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
