The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
