The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
