Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
