His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
