i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just found a bag of teeth...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
