Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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