Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
