we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
