dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
