You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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