I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
