Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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