So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
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I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
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I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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