I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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