Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
