Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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