The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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