the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
this hospital has no fireball
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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