I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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