Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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