i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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