There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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