I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
