so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
