the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
