At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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