Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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