I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
