I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
