wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
