It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
