I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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