well I can't set my house on fire every night
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My liver just had a heart attack.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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