the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
