At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
