I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
