we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I need a hoe opinion
go on
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
