I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I just googled if crying burns calories
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Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
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Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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