I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
