someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
