but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
