So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
