you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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