I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
