It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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